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Jul. 2nd, 2015

I suck

My marriage is a freaking mess! We aren't attracted to eachother any more. I know I'm fat and have completely let myself go, but so has he! He said he doesn't want to be romantic with me becauseit always leads into an arguement. I think he;s freaking lazy and if he can't get off without putting forth any emotional effort, then he would rather go without! I'm his wife. His FAITHFUL wife! Which means that if he doesn't engage with me emotionally, then noone does. How freaking lonely is that?! I hate what I've become. I hate that I am fat and disgusting. It's all my fault. When I looked good, I felt good and he was good to me. That;s how it works. Regardless of the concept of unconditional. The truth is that only God is perfect enough to love unconditionally. We are human and sin keeps that from being possible.

I want to scream! I want to cry! But I just feel stuck. I can't do either. I can't let my emotion out anymore. I want to! I want to expel the pain and anger! But I can't. Not because I'm stubborn but because I truly DON'T KNOW HOW! When did that happen? I am completely overcome with sadness and actually can NOT cry. It is physically impossible! Why?!

What has this marriage done to me? I am off of my mood stabilizers because of lack of insurance but I feel more numb then I ever have! Kind of. I can feel all of the emotion stuck inside of me but can't express any of it. I want to punch something. Maybe even my husband. I want to curl up and sob until I have nothing left. I want to sleep to get away from these feelings. I want to workout until my body is overcome by pain just so that I can show it somehow! I want to strave so that I can feel something like I used to. I realize these thing make no sense. I rea;ize hw convoluted these thoughts are, but I can't help it. I want space from these thoughts and feelings. I want to escape from this miserable marriage.

I know I will never do that. I made a committment to my husband and God to this marriage for life, but it feels like a life sentance in hell sometimes. I love my son and will never do anything to hurt him, including leaving this marriage, but I have to admit that remembering my life before marriage is like visiting a vacation. While there were a lot of hard things going on, I could get space whenever I needed it. I controlled my body, my life, my happiness.

Now all of that depends on my husband. Whether or not I get to do anything I enjoy depends on his business, his schedule, his income. He doesn't have to prioritize me AT ALL! Our life revolves completely aound his little princess self! What about me?! I live for my son around my husband. What about me?!!! Hello? I am a person! With feelings! I want to be important! I want to have value! I want a life of my own! I want to make choices! I want to have a voice! I want to do something for me! I want a man to love my body! I want someone to listen to me! To truly hear me! I EXIST!

I want control. Of SOMETHING! ANYTHING! I have nothing to say about how I spend my time, where I go, money, sex, ANYTHING! I want to go back to dance just because I love it! I don't want him to suggest a $10 a mo gym with equipment instead. I want to go to a knit night every week. Not ask every morning when he'll be home just to get no answer so I can't plan anything. I want to be able to buy clothes when I need them and get my haircut when I need it without asking him and then feeling guilty because of his "I guess so" response. Who are you to control me?!!! Why des he think he can control me? Why does he think it's ok??

It isn't ok... I need to help. I don't know where to turn. I feel this overwhelming desire to control whatever I can. I know what that means. Part of me craves it. Part of me is afraid. I can't burden my mentor with this. It will change our relationship. I can't tell anyone. No way will I let him control my body. That is mine! And as far as wanting to be intimate. I need to let that go. He doesn't deserve my body. That's mine. Alone. He will have to earn it or go without. I will be happier when i take control of m body. I'm tired of being vulnerable. I'm tired of feeling like my husband is the only one who will ever desire me, because he doesn't. I will never be unfaithful to him. I swore before God, but I need to feel desirable. I will be damn it! I want to know in my heart that I am worthy of male attention. Even if it's just an extra look from a stranger. I may be fat and ugly right now, but no more. I know how to feel pretty, to BE pretty. I am going to do this. I don't care if I have to lie and deceive to get there. People WILL pay attention to me. MArk my words. I am worthy of attention! I want it so badly I could spit! I'm tired of being invisable. I'm tired of hiding. Fuck that!

I did this. I let him make choices for me. I let myself get fat and ugly. I did this and only I can fix it!

Apr. 25th, 2014

Frustrated!

Down to 182 from 186 this week. Im so disguated with myself! Such a lard ass. I love my son and my husband but I dont take the time to take care of myself anymore. I know how to restrict. I know how to exercise. I have no excuses. Lazy. Sickening. I dont feel comfortable to do the things I love. Lile wearing shorts and tank tops. Like swimming. Hanging out with friends at BBQs...
I want to get back to where I was. 133 and I was happy. I dont need to get sick again. I know what is unreasonable this time. Im older. I have people relying on me. I wont mess that up. I just want to be content. Is that too much to ask for.
I've got to do it this time. No more failing. No more letting anything get in my way.
I must be strict but safe. I must be dedicated but flexible enough for my family. Stay natural but allow my family to enjoy food. If I want to be small and natural then I must eat that way. It isn't hard. Just gotta do it!


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

May. 2nd, 2013

Quick 2x A Day Workout


Tags:

Back Again!

I wonder how many times I've been, "back again"? Way too many for sure! I have been in Texas for 13 months. I weighed 133lbs when I moved here and weighed in at 170.8lbs this morning :( I broke my foot in a ballet class in September so I know that part of that gain isn't my fault, but I know that a lot of it is. I'm so depressed about my weight and sucky body image. I think that I've gaine dand lost more weight than freaking Oprah!! The weather is warming up very fast and I am too embarrassed to wear shorts and shirts that show my arms, so I wear jeans every day and put a zip up hoody on whenever I get inside to wearever I am going so my arms don't show. I hate that. Last summer, I was at the pool every single day and lived in shorts, tanks and flip flops. I could throw my hair up in a messy bun (my fav hair style) with out having to worry that my face looked fat and huge. Now, I am self concious about everything I do. I don't want to go to the zoo with my son because it's too warm to wear pants. I definitely don't want to go to the pool! So now, my fat ass isn't just affecting me, but the rest of my family too! Grrr.... How could I let this happen again?! I have also said that way too many times :(

My oldest and best friend called me today in, literally, the EXACT same position! So, we have a plan! We are going to do it together! Lose weight and boost our self-confidence that is while we work our butts off (LITERALLY!) so regain our quality of life. I know that with help and support, I can do it! Especially with her. J knows where I've been as well as where I am right now and I really think we can make this a successful journey as long as we keep ourselves and one another on track. I hope she really chews my ass when I screw up too. I know that I respond well to accountability and opinion. Cheers to trying to pick my dumb ass up, yet again, to try to better myself! I hope this works...

Here are some videos that I always find thinspiring. Maybe I should watch them every day...

This is my very favorite video of ALL time!! I miss ballet.


This yoga one reminds me that I want a thin but healthy life! I want to be natural.


This flamenco video reminds me to embrace my female figure and appreciate the natural beauty of a woman's body.


This video reminds me to take a break and step away when life is bringing me down. It's ok to free myself from situations that are too much at that particular moment. I am doing to best I can and that's ok.

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Age: 29
Ht: 5'5.5"
CW: 170.8 lbs

HW: 190 lb
LW (adult): 118

STG 1: 160 by 05/24 (My son's bday party)
STG 2: 150 by 07/04 (Company 4th of July BBQ)
STG 3: 135 by 10/06 (My bday. The big 30!)

UGW: Range between 130 and 140 lbs.

May. 27th, 2012

Lost...

I'm not even sure of what to say.
I feel like.... I don't know what. Just a mess. Maybe "lost" is a better word?
I have been shopping to find happiness. (I buy books and yarn, not really a clothes and shoes person) I got caught and blew through too much money. Husband is upset with me.
It didn't really keep me happy anyway.

Trying to design, but it's tough to stay focused. Especially on a time restraint. I wanna go home a lot of the time. I need my friends! Staying in touch on the phone is better than nothing, but I need to be held. And not in the way my husband does. If I cling to him for more than a minute, he thinks "sex!" As if. Not right now. I get touch when I get fondled. That's not what I need. He may think that's sweet, but if I'm not in the mood, then it feels degrading. I cried myself to sleep last night while he fell asleep with his hand on my breast. He had no idea.

I hate my body. I am not working out. There is no yoga classes or ballet. I just stay home. All of the time. I have no peace or alone time. There is no break from being mom. Just in writing this post, I've been interupted 4 times, had the blinds yanked open by my husband, my son want to play, my dog who I think has fleas hop on my bed, and I am going crazy!

I miss the days when I lived with a roomate who was never home and I could focus on ballet, food, exercise, work, and whatever else I wanted. I can say, that now I have knitting and crochet as wonderful distractions. I wish I could just lock myself for a few hours every day or maybe a few days with my music, my yarn, and my thoughts. If only...

I can't control much of what is going on in my life and I hate it! I am used to having a set schedule and time away from my house each day. I miss the commute to work where I could keep quiet or blare my music if I wanted. I need some space! I need to be alone!

God! Where can I go? What can I do?

I wish I could survive this new life with my old mind back. I was special to myself back than. I could focus on me. IF I need quiet, I made quiet. If I needed people or energy, I threw a party. If I felt fat, I restricted. If I felt hungry, I realized I didn't need it with no convincing or debate. If I needed attention. I found a new guy to date. If I needed an adrenaline rush, I hopped on a friend's motorcycle. I dressed conservatively at work and could be a professional and respected individual at work. At home, I could wear whatever I wanted and be whoever I wanted. In a single day, I could go from practice manager, to gym bum, to party girl. I got to spend every cent on myself if I wanted. I had no guilt when I spent money. I didn't have many groceries, so I had more to spend elsewhere.

Help!? I need...

Jan. 2nd, 2012

Question Of The Day

Here's the place to leave any suggestions for the "Question Of The Day". All suggestions are welcome as long as they are not ED related. Have fun!

Feb. 8th, 2010

Friends Only

Photobucket

I have decided to make my journal friends only. That way I can post pictures or whatever else I want without any fear of being "discovered". I think that pictures will help me to be more motivated. This will also include thinspiration pictures in my personal journal. If you want to be added as a friend, then please list which community I know you from.